a prayer on a hard day


God...why? Why would You delight in me? Why would You want me? Why would You give me grace that I don't deserve at all? Why would You not ever leave me alone, or leave me to do all this on my own? Why would You infuse my weakness with grace and with Your strength? Why Would You give me all that You have and let me get through it, but never on my own? Why would You show me in a million little ways how crazy, crazy much You love me?

How can I accept a love I could never understand and never repay? My default response to love is to take care of people and show how grateful I am, or at least try my hardest. My whole life is characterized by trying my hardest. It doesn't seem right to me not to. How can I accept that Your love is bigger than conditions and performance, that it covers my weaknesses and inabilities and apologies?

All yesterday I was thinking how I wanted to write how I am sorry for all that I'm not and everything I can't do. I wish I could be so much more than I am. I am afraid of not mattering, of being indifferent, of not being able to come through and do it all.

But You have rescued me from that. This is why You died: not to make me better, but to make me Yours. You loved me before I could love You, and You still love me even now that I can't love You as well as I wish I could, as wholly as I want to. I can't make sense of that. It undoes me - it is so far from what seems logical to me, from what seems fitting.

But Your wisdom seems like foolishness to the world, and yet it is greater and more powerful and more whole and pure than anything we could fathom. You are the Creator and Author of life. And in my weakness, what I am meant to do is point to Your strength. It isn't, "I'm okay because I've got God in my life"...it is, "I'm not okay at all, but, thank God, He has still seen fit to save me."